Out travelling and found yourself on a date? Don’t leave your common sense at home and remember these no-no’s

First date and sunset. Aaah..

The other day I had a conversation with a female friend about what to do in order to increase a girls’ interest in a guy. We discussed it after having shared an article between us that gave plenty of no-brainer advice to guys.

So I decided to go the opposite way and write this guide with the emphasis on irony. A cautionary disclaimer.. If anyone follows any of the “advice” below, I really believe that the core issue of a person’s dating has very little to do with lack of advice, more to do with common sense.

Hopefully most people know better than this.

1 Ask completely dull and irrelevant questions

Ask blatant and superficial questions, the same kind you will casually drop in the supermarket to a shop assistant, or to a bus driver when boarding a bus.

Don’t pick up on the few sentences she manages to insert into your blessed monologue. Sure, you could use those as hints as for questions to ask her, to really understand her personality. But that’s just nonsense. Keep talking, amigo, she is but a wallflower in your one man show. Dazzle her with your melodic voice!

2 Fail to see when you should stop talking

Don’t see or hear any of the signs that the girl simply isn’t that interested in you.

3 Don’t really listen to her

Sure, she will hint about what she wants to talk about. Who does she think she is, anyway?

She might want you to listen to everything she says and pick up on topics for you to ask about. But that would take the focus away from you, amigo! We don’t want that. Just nod subconsciously while she is yapping away, and do watch something else in the distance. Like another girl for instance.

4 Don’t tell her anything about yourself

Why on earth should you tell her anything about yourself? That would mean you really open up and let her into your life. Completely unnecessary. Focus on talking about (your) achievements, why you are great and go over every little detail the last 12 hours of your life. Make sure not to let her know where you live or what you do to make a living. Hobbies and passions are fine, but to tell her about them? No, focus on the matter at hand, superficial bragging and non-stop chitchat about all that matters so little.

5 Rehearse your lines

Make sure you rehearse your lines, whatever you do, do not speak your mind about anything. Leave her in the dark as to what your sense of humour is, what silly hobbies you have and funny and stupid jokes that you laugh silently at. You should filter everything you say according to those guides by “total players”. Remember, you’re Tarzan, and she’s Jane and all that. Why should you tailor the conversation topics to her personality. Ah no, just stick to your phrase book (you have one, right?)

6 Compliments? Please, that’s so needy

She doesn’t need compliments. It’s a compliment enough that you took your time to go out with her, ain’t it? Silly lady. Okay, if you’re that hot for her, then throw out two to three compliments when you first meet her. Only compliments about her looks, please disregard personality or anything more substantial. Then totally forget about her answers. Do not, I repeat, do not compliment her later on in the date. That’s like, pathetic, man.

7 Silence is not allowed

Silence is defeat. Keep talking at any cost. You don’t want to notice the surroundings or her attitude towards you. This is your show and you are the star. She’s probably super happy to sit there nodding at your elegant monologue and your fair looks. Please, enjoy the spotlight, you hot thing.

First date and sunset. Aaah..

First date and sunset.. Perfect time to be a gentleman and let her do the talking.

8 Do not stop talkin’, you big hunk of love

Make sure that the conversation goes on, and on, and on. Keep talking until she stands up and runs off.

Don’t try to round off the conversation (monologue), that’s for total losers. Just keep talking and wait for her to be so tired and fed up with the situation, that she picks up her stuff and leaves you without a good bye. Now you’ve made an impression.

If you got this far and noted that you follow all the above to the letter already, now would be a great time to look up the expression “common sense”.

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